An Open Letter to the People of London

Hey,

I just wanted to drop you all a note to say sorry about that football game yesterday. I know I’ve already admitted that rugby is a superior game, but honestly, the NFL can do better.

You see, the thing is, the Miami Dolphins are a really bad team this year. And the New York Giants, much as I love them, have a long history of playing down to the level of their opponents. You match those two up anywhere, you’re going to get pretty much what you got yesterday. I’m just sorry it had to happen in your fine city.

(Though, honestly, the conditions of the field didn’t help. You know, in American cities with a pissy wet climate, we have this marvelous invention called a “roof” that extends over the whole playing field. I know it sounds crazy, but it works…

(Of course, I suppose that’s what we get for putting a football game on a soccer field. Had the players been willing to flop over at the first hint of contact, and roll around like they’d been shot with a high-powered rifle, the turf probably would’ve held up fine.)

So, anyway, that was an ugly display, and really not the best that the NFL has to offer. It didn’t help that Giants coach Tom Coughlin was obviously trying to run the clock out for pretty much the entire second half. I think he was trying to prevent his star players from getting injured, though it might’ve been just courtesy. He may have thought you’d find it disorienting to watch a game called “football” in which both teams keep trying to score all the way to the end.

I’d just ask that you not judge the entire NFL based on this one game in sloppy conditions. Fire up the satellite dish, and watch the Colts play the Patriots next week– that’ll be a game worth seeing. It still won’t be as good as rugby, but it’ll be better than the crap display you saw yesterday.

(While I’m apologizing, let me also throw in a quick note about our national anthem. I didn’t really appreciate, until I heard it being sung in London, that the entire song is basically one big “Nyaaahhh nyahhh” aimed directly at you, and your failure to take Fort McHenry in Baltimore. Got to be a little galling to listen to in your own capital, eh? Particularly since it’s such a tiresome dirge of a tune.

(Of course, we’re probably even on that score yesterday, given the tubby amateur you trotted out to over-sing “God Save the Queen.” Christ, what a lugubrious pair of athems we have…)

Anyway, as I said, sorry about the bad show yesterday. If you’re ever in the Albany area, drop me a line, and I’ll buy you a beer. I’ll even leave it in the garage for a few hours first, so it’s at the temperature you prefer.

Your friend,
Chad