Most of my best ideas come from Kate, so I’ll steal this one, too:
If you could only give me one piece of advice [regarding FutureBaby, due in July], what would it be?
If you’ve been itching to provide child-bearing or -rearing advice (and I know some of you have), here’s your chance. Please limit yourself to one (1) piece of advice per comment, and one comment per person per day.
So, have at it. What should we be doing/ expecting/ buying/ fearing?
You should read out loud every day. We did this for our oldest son, and he read his first book at 2 1/2.
You should read the same book I recommended that she read.
http://www.amazon.com/Poo-Bomb-Tales-Parental-Terror/dp/0740750453
You should not take advice from strange people on the Intertubes about child-rearing.
Get your hands on copies of The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and What to Expect When You’re Expecting and do the exact opposite of what they say.
Very much agree with #3, but my own piece of advice (what I wish I would have done when I had my baby) is:
#4 Find somebody to do the house work during the first month after the baby is born and to be around in general to support the new mother, so that 1) she is relieved from chores and can give all the attention she wants to the baby; 2) she can leave the baby for a while to someone else’s care and go out to take a breath; 3) she has somebody to talk to. But it has to be a person who does not use the opportunity to teach you how to look after the baby. In my country we usually have the mother’s mother around at that time, but in a lot of cases she wouldn’t abstain from explaining how you do everything wrong most of the time, so I am not sure about the net benefit.
You should make everyone who tells you, “It will change your life!” as if it were some insightful piece of advice buy you a drink (or a book or something).
Seriously, look into daycare/babysitter arrangements as early as possible (even if the kid won’t be in daycare, having a babysitter available will come in very handy sooner or later).
Baby naming: nothing can be more irritating than everyone giving an opinion on what your baby’s name should be. Cut them off at the pass by telling everyone that its name will be Schtolteheim Reinbach III.
If you are planning to breastfeed, try to eat a fairly bland diet for the first few months. The worst nights of crying and nasty diapers with my daughter turned out to coincide with days that I ate strawberries, thai food or anything else exciting.
Get your hands on a copy of Meredith Small’s Our Babies, Ourselves. She is a professor of anthro (http://falcon.arts.cornell.edu/anthro/faculty/faculty_MSmall.php)
and she introduced me to “attachment parenting” and I never looked back. You’d think this stuff would come naturally but alas, after decades of nonsense propaganda women end up giving birth and slightly confused as to what to do — many of the western traditions are new and make baby-raising a lot harder than it needs to be. Give them what they need and they won’t drive you crazy. Until later, lol.
Don’t be reluctant about taking the baby to the doctor. I’m not the type of person to go to the doctor, so I would tend to want to wait things out a little. My wife wanted to take the baby to the doctor for every little thing. She usually won out, and she was usually right about something being wrong. Even if it turns out to be nothing that you can truly do anything about, it will make you and your wife feel better at least knowing what the culprit is and knowing you did what you could.
Be the most vigilant the first year. After the baby starts talking, you can rely on the baby communicating the problem more. Luckily, our insurance copay is only $20, so all those visits didn’t kill us financially.
Remember that the breathing and relaxation techniques you learn for giving birth are useful every single day, especially when you are teaching the baby to drive 16 years later. but before that, when he wakes up 4 times a night, throws food on the floor, and yanks on you earrings.
Get the book “Baby Signs” by Linda Acredolo and Susan Goodwyn. Kids understand words and want to say things before their vocal equipment is developed enough for them to speak. Using signs enables them communicate sooner.
Remember that the breathing and relaxation techniques you learn for giving birth are useful every single day, especially when you are teaching the baby to drive 16 years later. but before that, when he wakes up 4 times a night, throws food on the floor, and yanks on you earrings.
I’ll give you two practical tips:
1 – the first few weeks are rough. Knowing ahead of time that anything beyond eating/sleeping (note enough)/tending to child is unlikely might make it a bit easier.
2 – Listen politely to all advice from friends/family/etc and then promptly ignore anything that doesn’t work for your situation. Approach X may have worked wonderfully for your cousin, but it may not work at all and actually be counterproductive in your case. Your pediatrician is about the only person you should take completely seriously in the advice they give you.
Similar to the breastfeeding advice:
Keep a food journal while breastfeeding – use fitday.com or something similar. Fitday is extremely simple and easy to use, but there are fancier ones out there.
The benefits are twofold: 1. You can keep better track of what might be upsetting the baby, via your milk, and then when baby starts eating on his/her own you are already in the habit of logging, so again you can track possible sensitivies and 2. If you need to lose baby weight you can keep track of calories and nutrients and keep your milk nutritious while getting back to a non-pregnant non-breastfeeding intake consciously instead of accidentally.
When out and about with the baby, everyone remembers to bring a spare onesie (or three) for the baby. Also remember to tuck a spare T-shirt for the parent(s) on duty into the diaper backpack.
Because spit-up can travel!
Have twins, so that once you decide to act on a plausible suggestion, you can run a control as well.
Jeepers! My advice is to try to relax, try to raise a *happy* kid not a superkid, and ditch the kid w/ babysitters frequently so that you & Kate can maintain your marriage which, in the long run, is just as important as spending time with future kid. It’s a marathon and it’s the hardest thing a decent parent ever does so don’t fret the mistakes because there will always be many.
Look into a sling for the baby so you or Kate can carry FutureBaby and still have two hands free to get stuff done. Frees you up enormously so you are happy getting things done and baby is happy still being carried. As a side benefit, it ups your exercise (it’s like carrying weights around all day) so you’re more likely to lose weight!
Earplugs! It’s much easier to deal with a crying baby if you don’t have to listen to every decibel. And if they’re colicky, it can go on and on and on…
In addition, rhythmic movement works wonders to calm little ones. Rocking chair, walking, bouncing, swinging, are all good methods.
I don’t have kids of my own yet, but I’ll pass on the wisdom of a parent who I bought a vintage Fender Pro Reverb off last weekend:
“Kids are expensive.”
Buy a stand-alone freezer and perhaps a cookbook like The Best Make-Ahead Recipe. In the weeks before the baby is due, fill the freezer with made-ahead food. This cuts down on dinner worries considerably.
I’ll second the reading aloud (starting as soon as the baby can sit up) and the signing (it really helps the kid gain confidence in ability to communicate).
Another big reason for starting early with regular sitters or others who can give you some free time is that the experience will also help to reduce the kid’s separation anxiety when it comes time for day care or pre-school.
Bonus: The best way to get a cranky kid to sleep is to dance with them to music with a good beat — our daughter preferred string band contradance music.
Tip 1: It is entirely normal to feel a desire to throw a screaming infant through the window after two or three hours of trying to get him/her to sleep. Almost nobody actually does it, but considering it is pretty darn common and does not make you a bad parent.
My grandpa told me this, and I have found it to be true: “when the time comes, you will know what to do.” Just keep that in mind.
I second # 25, and add this advice for mothers-to-be.
If a conversation starts like this:
“Is this your first baby?”
— be warned.
There is a small but determined cohort of the population that likes to share their scary birth stories and/or lengthy lectures on what kind of medical care to accept/refuse when giving birth, but they only do it to women who have not yet had a baby. (They know better than to try to rattle hardened mothers.)
Do not listen to them.
I’ll second #1, 4, 6, 16, 18 and 23. My 0.02$: watch SuperNanny. Seriously. She gives good advice.
Corollary to #25: You may not know what to do all the time, but it’ll turn out ok anyway.
Never get into a snot-blowing competition with a baby. They always win.
Have twins, so that once you decide to act on a plausible suggestion, you can run a control as well.
This is the current leader, for the record. It’s going to be hard to beat.
Sadly, it comes much too late…
*You* didn’t just have lunch with the father of four-month-old twins . . .
*You* didn’t just have lunch with the father of four-month-old twins . . .
True. Any heart-warming stories yet?
Anyway, I can laugh at it now, secure in the knowledge that there’s no possible way FutureBaby can turn out to be twins.
Oh yes, since at least a month ago, maybe more.
All the same.
Invest in a Snugli or some kind of sling so the baby can cuddle on while you do other stuff, even just move around the house. You are their security. I liked the book The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff, which argues that babies want to be held and carried quite a lot when they’re young. However, don’t put your trust in assertions that babies just naturally won’t fall into a fire or into water or off an edge, etc.
I go with picking up a distressed baby – they become less needy if you give them what they need when they need it. (You feed them when they’re hungry, don’t you?) But I second #24 and if 10 minutes of crying is the price of winding down to sleep, pay it. Don’t carry the baby around all night.
Smile, interact, play, even with a baby – you are their best toy.
I’ve heard great things about Baby Sign Language. Reduces frustration for baby.
Try to find a branch of the La Leche League – experienced mothers help young mothers to breastfeed, i.e. understand what’s going on, overcome hitches in the process, and succeed in a low-stress way; but they are great places to get a little reassurance and advice. If you can’t one, try to buy The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. Do try breastfeeding: it’s better for the baby’s facial development, transfers the mum’s antibodies to protect the baby and can be close-making for both parties. Plus, no bottles to scrub unless she’s expressing some for later. (N.B. hand expression is easier than using breast pumps, which tend to be painful and inefficient.) Breastfeeding was easily replaced by a goodnight story at the right time.
Get help if possible – light housekeeping? Expect to be tired. Give her some time off or her and some for both of you. Having a day off every week or two is one of the big rewards of getting divorced, but it doesn’t have to be.
See if you can find a babysitting co-op, where parents trade time, e.g. half-hour tickets. If you don’t know how to set one up, I can give you basics offchannel or here. You babysit when you have time and have free babysitting when you need it, with experienced parents.
Let her know she’s important to you and be reliable for her.
Good luck!
Write to your friends. Tell them they are really important to you and that you really will be in touch again in 20 years.
If you have never seen a newborn, don’t panic. Newborn babies are not cute. They all look like deformed purple lizards. After a few hours they morph into babies. It takes a few weeks for them to get to the Winston Churchill stage.
Nothing can fully prepare you for the change that is about to occur.
(From the proud – and exhausted – father of a 3-year-old son and 1-week-old daughter.)
Try a mei tai (not to be confused for a mai tai, although those can come in handy too).
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Don’t try to take advantage of the time the baby is sleeping to get anything else done; just sleep.
And similarly to #24: the difference between a good parent and a bad parent is the good parent only thinks about throwing the baby out the window.
I have two: 6 and 8.
One piece of advice: Anyone who has any piece of advice that includes the word “schedule” doesn’t know what they are talking about.
And finally, some encouragement: It gets better! So I’m told, anyway. Around age 23, they apparently stop bringing laundry home.
Try not to beat yourself up unnecessarily, or set yourself unrealistic targets.
It doesn’t really matter if you baby has a different sleep pattern, as long as s/he gets enough sleep. So what if the baby is still sleeping in the bed when you had intended to have him/her in a cot by now. Every baby has bumps and falls – if there’s no damage done, there’s no damage done. Things will never go exactly according to plan, but babies have been doing okay anyway for a long time. For the first few months at least, just try to get yourself through with some of your sanity intact.
“The blue lid does fit on the yellow sippy cup”
Which is something I learned the hard way 🙂
Parenting is communication. The most important thing is to establish a good relationship with the kids, from day one. That’s my philosophy of parenting. (And I agree with the baby carrier advice.)
Remember, it will be fine. Don’t worry about what other parents tell you – you’re smart, intelligent people who know what’s best for you and your baby. Trust your gut.
As far as breastfeeding/pumping, I’ve got to say that the BEST thing I did was invest in a quality pump (Medela Pump in Style). With both of my kids, we never managed to latch on properly even after repeated lactation consultations, so the only option if we wanted breastmilk was for me to pump A LOT. I pumped and bottle-fed both kids for a year. It was hard at the start, but got easier to get ahead (at one point our standalone freezer was PACKED with milk). It even allowed me to trade off middle of the night feedings with my husband. He got the added benefit of that bonding time with the kids, too. The ability to leave your wonderful baby with someone other than Kate for longer than 2 hours is also a sanity saver.
Most of all, take a deep breath, and just enjoy FutureBaby, and Kate, (and Emmy, too!), and your new family dynamics.
http://www.wikihow.com/Change-a-Bed-Fast-in-the-Middle-of-the-Night
I thought of something else . . . get more than one sling for the baby to see which kind is best. We have 4. The Baby Bjorn type ones are nice for snapping on in 2 seconds and being really easy, and you can lend it to babysitting grandparents. We had a hotsling, which was an over-the shoulder one, which was fine when he was small for naps. But if you are going to wear the baby all day, you want a really long piece of fabric, and you just have to learn how to tie it from instructions online or you-tube videos, and a few practice ties. I cut a (relatively stretchy) queen sized bedsheet in half lengthwise and tied the pieces together, and that’s my favorite one. I don’t sew, I seriously just cut and tied. Of course you can buy one which is nicer. For my husband I bought 5 yards of camouflage print fabric, so that he would feel like it wasn’t “girly”, not that he would ever say that, but actually I think a bit longer than 5 yards would be better. I couldn’t really breastfeed well in any of them, though supposedly you can with the wraps, we were having a lot of trouble for the first 3 months anyway. Maybe it would’ve helped to learn to do it in the sling–they say the adjustable ones with the rings are best for that.
Trust your instincts. You will be flooded with well-meant advice – take it to help you learn but whenever in doubt: accept that what you feel is right (even if you don’t feel confident) is very probably what’s best for your baby. Good luck!