Via Matt Yglesias, an interesting twist on the shuffle-play “meme”:
1. Take out your iPod (or Zune, I guess…really, who buys a Zune?)
2. Press shuffle songs.
3. Answer the following: a) How many songs before you come to one that would absolutely disqualify you from being President? b) What is that song?
This sounds like fun. Whooosh goes the randomizer…
And I’m screwed. The first song up is “It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)” by Bob Dylan. He’s a former hippie radical, much too divisive a figure to be associated with. Also the song is kind of a downer. And “Even the President of the United State sometimes has to stand naked”? Keep your smut to yourself, filthy hippie!
OK, let’s try again… Next up is “Englishman in New York” by Sting. This one’s out, too– first of all, it’s not even by an American artist, and we can’t have that. More importantly, it’s sympathetic to a guy who admits he’s an alien, and while he claims to be legal, that just smacks of amnesty programs, and those are electoral death.
One more… “Too Tired” by the Blasters. It’s Americana, at least, but it’s a downer. We can’t have a President who’s too tired to deal with the Issues. Why, he might doze off before bombing anybody!
This is getting silly. Let’s see… “You Scare the **** Out of Me” by the Frantics? Obscene, Canadian, and afraid. Nope. “Every Generation Got Its Own Disease,” They’re German, and Middle America isn’t ready for socialized medicine. “Come Together” by the Beatles? Please. Buffalo Gals by Bruce Springsteen? Again, he’s a rabble-rousing liberal type. And Buffalo is a city in the Northeast, and we all know that Northeastern liberals are unelectable.
You know, it might be easier to go through and list the songs that wouldn’t disqualify me from being President…
I’m not sure if Nightwish would disqualify me (they are Finnish…socialists!) but the song after that was The Smiths – Sheila Take a Bow (fronted by a homosexual). Up next was a Judas Priest song, Dreamer Deceiver (ooh, another homosexual, me sees a trend!). Then there is Killing Joke, the Hum (Yeah! Anti-governmen brits!).
Oh well..no presidency for me!
Well, let’s see:
1. All for You, The Tempos — Jamaican Highlife. Not sure about that; it’s not druggy/alt-religion like reggae, and it might appeal to the all-important elderly West Indian demographic.
2. Poesia di una donna, from the Veruschka OST, Ennio Morricone. Definitely elitist. But the right wing is currently running Italy. It’s a tossup.
3. “The Snatch Could Come Any Day Now” — audio clip of a sermon by Elder Marshall Taylor. Sophomoric sniggering at a poor choice of words by an African-American premillennial dispensationalist. Disrespect for religious beliefs. Ridiculing fundamentalists. Possible accusation of racism. We have a winner.
That was faster than I thought it would be. I have lots of vintage/retro audio, mostly Jazz and Americana, which is generally politically neutral. I figured I would be listing tunes until “Rotten Cocksucker’s Ball” by the Clovers came up at random.
#1: David Bowie, “Suffragette City”.
Well, I’m fucked. “Suffragette”, like all words that imply women are people or have rights, would completely disqualify me from office in the USA.
#2: KISS, “I Was Made For Loving You”
#3: Queen, “I Want It All”
Oh dear.
#4: Abney Park, “Stigmata Martyr”
“Arabian” sound and TWO religious words in the title. No good!
#5: Metallica, “Don’t Tread On Me”
Apparently it took 5 hits before it got one that wouldn’t disqualify me.
Oooh, I don’t have a functioning shuffle (RealPlayer for PalmOS is kind of, uh, retarded), but oh, do I have some DQ songs on there…
-“Pussy”, Lords of Acid: Belgian. Techno. Extremely perverted, or, as I’ve always put it, four minutes of girl-on-girl homoerotic trash talk.
-“It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier”, Tom Lehrer: Swipes against the psychos, hacks, morons, and jobsworths that give the military a bad name from one of the great musical humorists.
-“Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits: promotion of The Rock Music. Ridicule of classist ignorance. Also “Industrial Disease”, railing against the uselessness of protest against corporate oligarchy, featuring a worthless company doctor and a breezy surf-guitar backing track.
-“A Song About A Train” by Rob Balder: a vicious broadside against the PR and advertising industries disguised as an old-school folk song.
-“My Little Town” by Simon and Garfunkel: a cynical little story about a soul-suckingly dull small town upbringing.
Okay, let’s look at what’s currently in my “Party Shuffle” playlist. For the record, the “Party Shuffle” list on this computer draws from my entire music library (which includes every CD I own), so often the list includes some real clunkers.
First up is “Lovelight” by ABBA. They’re Swedish (no good), and it’s an utterly mediocre song to boot.
Next come two tracks by Claude Debussy. A Frenchman (even worse than Swedish) who wrote classical music (elitist). Ugh.
That’s followed by “Only Time” by Enya (Irish), “Wrapped Around Your Finger” by the Police (Brits), the truly godawful “Bennie and the Jets” by Sir Elton John (a Brit with a title)), “We Will Rock You” by Queen (more Brits, fronted by the notoriously bisexual Freddie Mercury), a comedy sketch by Wayne and Shuster (Canadians), a twentieth-century classical piece based on English folk songs (how elitist weenie can I get?), the “Tuileries” movement from Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition (OMG, the Russians are coming! They’ve already captured Paris!), “Twilight at Rhodes” by Mannheim Steamroller (at least they’re an American artist, but the song paints a picture of a Greek island), a piece of First Peoples folk music by R. Carlos Nakai (if you hear any of his stuff on the radio, you’re probably listening to NPR and are therefore an elitist), the “Saturday Night Waltz” movement of Copland’s Rodeo (again, it’s classical music and therefore elitist), “Aqualung” by Jethro Tull (more Brits, and even worse, the song has a distinct pedophilia vibe), “Trust” by Sarah McLachlan (Canadian), the “Song of the Blacksmith” movement of Holst’s Second Suite in F (British classical music, two strikes), a bit of musical satire by Peter Schickele (who is the man behind P.D.Q. Bach–thus this track would win me no votes outside of Hoople, North Dakota ;-), and another obscure twentieth century classical piece.
Third from the end of the list is “The Battle of Endor I” from the Return of the Jedi soundtrack. Since Star Wars was merely one of the most successful movie franchises of all time, this one might get me some votes. The only problem is that the artist is listed as London Symphony Orchestra–Brits who normally play classical music.
Picking up the rear are a classical guitarist covering a violin concerto by J. S. Bach, and “Strawberry Fields Forever” by the Beatles (hippie Brits, two strikes).
Conclusion: I couldn’t get elected dog catcher, let alone President of the United States. Maybe I, too, would find it easier to list songs that wouldn’t disqualify me.
Hmm…
“Genocide” by Steve Vai. The title has nothing to do with the song as far as I can tell, but that title is probably enough to make this one a disqualifier.
“There’s a Fire in the House”, Steve Vai again, and “Home” by Joe Satriani. Both of these are instrumental guitar. Too elitist.
“Victory celebration / End Title” from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. That one _might_ not disqualify me, but anything that’s as closely tied to popular culture as Star Wars is probably best avoided.
“In the Flesh”, Pink Floyd. This is the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra’s version, so it probably also falls under “too elitist”.
“Heaven’s Trail (No Way Out)” by Tesla. Decent rock by a band hardly anybody has heard of; not much to dislike about that, so this is the first obvious non-disqualifier, at #6 in the list for me.
Hmm, let’s see. Taking out my spankin’ new iPod Nano, hitting shuffle songs, and…
1. Michael Jackson – Billie Jean. Michael Jackson had problems accepting the appearance of his face and the darker color of his skin so he had his mug surgically altered and his outer layer lightened. Oh, and he may have molested several children. Naturally, that means I condone such behavior, not that this tune is catchy as hell.
2. Biggie Smalls – Gimme tha Loot. This song would probably ruin me, politically. Laced with lines involving almost every crime imaginable, it’s not exactly campaign material. The funny thing is, I’ve never had involvement with the judicial branch for anything worse than a single traffic violation and I abhor theft, murder, rape, drug use and violence. I just think Biggie was good with rhyme and meter, apart from the crap he decided to rap about, and the song’s beat is pretty bumpin’. But, hey, having this on my iPod means that I love and support the thug lifestyle, no matter what!
3. The Faint – Dust. A song based off of the movie Tremors, which is about giant sand worms killing a bunch of people. Bill O’Reilly would question my integrity.
4. David Bowie – Suffragette City. David Bowie cross-dressed, wore make-up, did lots of drugs and slept with men. You know what that means…
5. The Doors – Roadhouse Blues. This song means that I approve of driving while inebriated, partying hard and sexing up married women in a bungalow at the back of a roadhouse.
Science bless me, I just could not run this country well, no matter how qualified! I mean, my major is International Security Studies and I have a 3.4 GPA, but a two minute look at my iPod Nano will tell you the truth: I am a complete and utter monster.
Just a quick smattering of the ones that would disqualify me:
Supa Dubya, 4o del Tren
I Love a Man in a Uniform, Gang of Four
American Idiot, Green Day
F*** The Creationists, MC Hawking
Wake Up, Rage Against The Machine
We’re a Happy Family, Ramones
Television (The Drug of the Nation), Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy
Briefcase Full of Guts, Dethklok (come to think of it, maybe just about anything by Dethklok)
That’s just for starters.
Song #3 on the list – Sound of Silence (Simon and Garfunkel)
It’s All Right Ma won’t disqualify you – Carter quoted that song (or paraphrased it) at the convention in 76. And countless candidates since have listed him among their favorites.
I can say that there is definitely nothing on my iPod that would disqualify me.
Except perhaps for the fact that I don’t actually have an iPod…
🙂
I’m surprised that it took me until song #15, “Nightclub” by Gay Dad.
My second attempt got me there at #5, “Speedballin'” by Outkast.
I have a Zune, and it works better than my old iPod ever did!