Still Stuck in Paragraph Two

This one’s for Matthew Francis, whose tweet from yesterday lodged this in my head until I broke down and typed it out. With apologies to Stealer’s Wheel and their Dylanesque pop bubblegum classic:

Still Stuck in Paragraph Two

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight,
I brought the laptop but still just can’t write.
I try and try but the words just aren’t there,
and it makes me want to pull out my hair.

Nouns to the left of me, verbs off to my right
and I’m still stuck in paragraph two.

Yes, I’m still stuck in paragraph two,
how to go on, I haven’t a clue.
It’s so hard for me to find the right words,
I should give up and just play Angry Birds.

Nouns to the left of me, verbs off to my right,
and I’m still stuck in paragraph two

Well I started off with nothing,
and I’m proud of that first sentence, man.
But my editor comes calling,
reminds me of my deadline, saying
“Plee-ee-ee-ee-ease,
Plee-ee-ee-ee-ease”

Maybe I should just delete it all,

‘Cause I can see it makes no sense at all.
Is it cool to start over one time more?
It’s already draft twenty-four.

Nouns to the left of me, verbs off to my right
and I’m still stuck in paragraph two.

Well I started off with nothing,
and I’m proud of that first sentence, man.
But my editor comes calling,
reminds me of my deadline, saying
“Plee-ee-ee-ee-ease,
Plee-ee-ee-ee-ease”

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight,
I brought the laptop but still just can’t write.
I try and try but the words just aren’t there,
and it makes me want to pull out my hair.

Nouns to the left of me, verbs off to my right,
and I’m still stuck in paragraph two
Yes, I’m still stuck in paragraph two
Yes, I’m still stuck in paragraph two

(Now I have to shake the mental image of Michael Madsen dancing around with a straight razor and a copy of The Elements of Style…)